Transcription:Who's Killing the Muppets?
start with The Great Gonzo, who's about to perform a trick in the Muppet Theater. Gonzo: For my next feat, I will walk across hot coals, while explaining what the hell I am! as he begins, a hooded man in black peeks out from the behind the stage. Hooded Killer: No! For your next feat, you die! Hooded Killer fires a cannon in front of him, shooting a cannonball onto Gonzo's head to decapitate him. Then Gonzo's headless corpse falls on the hot coals, which The Hooded Killer throws a deflated kiddie pool on. After that, we fade to Gonzo's funeral and burial ceremony. Kermit: solemnly Gonzo died as he lived, and our family will never be whole again. (cheerful) And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Steve Martin! Yaaaaaaay! Steve Martin: a prank arrow through his head, reading from a Bible book "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want...". Miss Piggy: as Mr. Martin continues his speech Ooh, will we bury him in a Sybian? the Chicken clucks and jumps on Gonzo's casket as it lowers underground. Fozzie: You know, the last time a Muppet died was... Steve Martin: walking to the Muppets Excuse me! Fozzie: Don’t you mean, "Exuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me!"? Steve Martin: No, this is a funeral! I’m working! Do I come to where you work and knock the dick out of your mouth?! off Kermit: Wow. Steve’s working blue, but he’s right. We vowed never to talk about...that night. Muppets turn to look at Scooter, and after he waves at them, we snap to Fozzie practicing for a performance backstage. Fozzie: And then the dad says, "The Aristocrats"! Wocka-wocka! Hooded Killer: at Fozzie's dressing room door Hey, Fozzie, why did the bear turn red?! Fozzie: I don’t know, stranger. Hooded Killer: Because he was em-BEAR-rassed! Fozzie: ' ''claps Wocka-wocka... '''Hooded Killer: Then how about this?! Because I fucking stab you! Hooded Killer fiercely stabs Fozzie in the neck and back with a knife, making him stumble weakly onstage. Fozzie: What a showstopper! and falls on stage Statler: See? I told you the bear was gonna die onstage tonight! [Statler and Waldorf do their trademark laugh] Fozzie: desperately Hey, guys, can you stop laughing and call me an ambulance? Waldorf: You're an ambulance! and Waldorf laugh again, and Fozzie is dragged offscreen by the Hooded Killer (while digging his nails on the wooden floor to try saving himself) and murdered. Then a red wagon is rolled out on stage, and we cut to Kermit and Miss Piggy in another part of the theater. Kermit: two penguins roll Fozzie's dead body away on a stretcher First Gonzo, now Fozzie. cold fear Could we be paying the price for what we did to...? Miss Piggy: Don’t say that name, Kermie. Kermit: realizing Ohh, Miss Piggy’s telling me what to do! Hey, everybody, come here! You've gotta see this! Piggy’s telling me what to do! Wow, this must be a day that ends in Y! walks by carrying a boxful of props Hey, uh, Scooter? Scooter: Oh, hey, boss! Kermit: We need to talk about Skeeter’s death. Scooter: Why, sure. I love talking about my twin sister, if not for that tragic accident... Kermit: You know, I’m gonna stop you right there. There's something I've gotta tell you. swipe to a flashback of Muppet Babies, where babies Kermit, Gonzo, Fozzie, Piggy, Scooter, and Skeeter stand around a wading pool outside. Baby Kermit: Let’s play The Little Mermaid! Baby Fozzie: Let’s question Kermit’s sexuality! Wocka-wocka! Baby Scooter: Hold on - let me grab my floaties! off-screen Baby Skeeter: What a nerd! Baby Piggy: Ahem - moi will play "La Petite Mermaid". Baby Skeeter: Mermaids aren't fat! Baby Piggy, making her angry Baby Kermit: Yikes! Skeeter, if you only take my advice once in your natural life, take it now! Walk away. simply smacks Kermit, pushing him down. Baby Fozzie: out Nanny, Skeeter's hitting us again! Baby Kermit: his face Yeah, who's the homo now? violently beats up Fozzie, punching him down to the ground, but is hit in the back by Kermit with a red wagon and knocked headfirst into the wading pool. Baby Kermit: If we do this thing, it’s our secret forever. others agree, and then all of them drown Skeeter in the pool. All Muppet Babies: NANNY! flashback ends, taking us back to the present. Scooter: shocked You killed my sister?! Kermit: Uh, well, it was 60% self-defense, but... we're kind of burying the lead here. frightened We think Skeeter’s come back from the grave for revenge! Scooter: Oh, Skeeter will have her revenge. takes off his hair and glasses, revealing herself to be not actually him, but the true identity of the hooded killer: Skeeter herself, who by this time has put her real hair and glasses on. At this truth, Miss Piggy and Kermit scream in fear. Skeeter: out the knife to thrust at Kermit Fifteen seconds till' your death! quickly, Miss Piggy does her famous karate yell and jumps to kick Skeeter, but misses and crashes into the curtains with a yelp before falling on the floor. Skeeter: the knife as Miss Piggy stands back up, Kermit walking next to her Here it comes! Showtime! she can, Camilla clucks, holding a bow and arrow. Translating from her clucks, the subtitles underneath say, "Get away from her, you bitch!" You can’t shoot me! Chickens don’t even have fingers! this, Camilla fires an arrow, which runs through Skeeter's head, killing her once again as she groans and collapses dead to the floor with Steve Martin behind her. Steve Martin: That bit never gets old. funny music rhythm, which he dances to, starts up as the episode closes. Category:Transcriptions